Letters for Fun

Bigfoot Java; Doing their part to honor Bigfoot.

2008-10-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

A chain of coffee drive-ins in the Seattle area goes by the name of Bigfoot Java. Their coffee and drinks are fantastic! I go out of my way to get my coffee from them when I am in the area of one. Their slogan is "Legendary Creature, Legendary Coffee!" The other day on the drive home, Amanda, read the statement on the cup. Here is what it says:

"The Pacific Northwest is home to the legend of Bigfoot!

Numerous sightings have been reported over the years yet no one has been able to prove conclusively whether the creature actually does or does not exist.

BigFoot Java is proud to honor the legend of Bigfoot by providing the best coffee products in the territory!..."

It was really fun laughing with her and thinking of all the other products we could sell to honor Bigfoot. This got me thinking about a letter and it went in the mail today. Enjoy!

October 21, 2008

BigFoot Investment Group, LLC
dba BigFoot Java®
21110 84th Ave. South, Suite 201
Kent, Washington 98032

Dear Fellow Bigfoot Enthusiasts;

It is impossible to measure how delighted I was to being driving down I-5 and to see a place called Bigfoot Java. I have been “hunting” for Bigfoot since I was knee high to a grasshopper with my wife and kids. Traveling all over the Northwest to meet the beast I have tried to use as a role model in my life. Did you know Bigfeets have a clan based society and only take one mate; or that they use only all natural products when raising their Bigfeetlings? Or lastly, and the thing I admire the most, they prepare survival kits to ensure their families existence after Mt. Rainier wipes out earth?

Your idea of having a drive-in coffee stand to honor Bigfoot really got me thinking. I am proud to share that I married into money. My wife’s family owns the largest mobile home park in Mississippi and a couple smaller ones. (By couple I mean fifty-four to be exact.) I would like to also run businesses to honor Bigfoot. It is getting time for my children to continue the hunt while I rest my weary bones and endeavor to do something new. I would try to open my Bigfoot stores as close to your coffee shacks as I can. What would the legal ramifications be if I opened my own Bigfoot stores? They would be in the great Pacific Northwest. Here are some of the possibilities I have thought of:

• Bigfoot Pancakes – I think Bigfeet would be really honored to have the best meal anytime of the day available for them.
• Bigfoot Shoes – Know nothing about shoes but the play on words is too hard to pass up.
• Bigfoot Nail Salon – My wife always wanted to open one of these.
• Bigfoot Baby – Kids are getting fat. We would be the plus size store for kids.
• Bigfoot Adult Entertainment – My wife would like a discount on her “Private Collection.”
• Bigfoot Smoke Shop – Do you have locations on any reservations?
• Bigfoot Car Wash – Brown Bear’s are not nearly as powerful as a Bigfoot.

These are just some of the ideas I can think of while waiting for the kids to put away the tent and for us to move on. Could we set up a meeting to explore some of these ideas? I will be back in civilization over the Thanksgiving holiday for a brief time. We head out today for a five week hunt.

Thanks for helping honor Bigfoot. From now on I will only drink coffee from Bigfoot Java. After I get back from this hunt I will start looking for retail locations and suppliers for this grand venture. The excitement of working alongside other fellow Bigfoot enthusiasts is immense. Perhaps we can even form some kind of partnership. Sponsor the same little league teams, bowling leagues, and curling teams; that kind of thing.

Bigfoot is With Us,

Drew Cremeans
ADDRESS REMOVED AFTER RECEIVING CREEPY MAIL FROM THE BLOG
Marysville, WA 98271

My new friend Rick Springfield

2008-10-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

Put this one in the mail today. The only address I could find was for his management company. There was a couple different fan clubs. I cannot trust that some crazed fan is going to have my best interests at heart with Rick. They have been trying to be his friend for over twenty years in some cases.

I will be sure to post Mr. Springfield's response. If we end up hanging out I will keep you updated.

Amanda I are married. I referred to her as my girlfriend in the letter not wanting to scare Mr. Springfield off. It is easy for me to picture him breaking friends hearts and stealing girlfriends. Breaking up a marriage or being an adulterous pig would make him someone I do not want to be friends with.

18 October 2008

Rick Springfield

C/O Rob Kos

Doyle-Kos Entertainment

1 Penn Plaza Suite 2107

New York, NY 10119

Mr. Springfield,

You and I are not close friends. You definitely have not met my girlfriend Amanda. I am confident that if you were my friend and/or met my girlfriend you would have to re-write one of the most genius moments in music history. Jessie’s Girl would have to become Drew’s Girl.

I have spent the last week practicing it in the shower to see if it had the same feel to it. It does. Go ahead, give it a try a couple times. I think you will agree with me that it is just as catchy. Probability is you will have another number one hit on your hands.

You know, I wish that I had Drew’s girl,
I wish that I had Drew’s girl
Where can I find a woman like that
I play along with the charade,
there doesn't seem to be
a reason to change
You know, I feel so dirty
when they start talking cute
I wanna tell her that I love her,
but the point is probably moot…

So, lets become good friends. You will have another musical hit on your hands with very little effort or input on your part. My girlfriend will be lusted for by another one of my friends. We might discover that you and I have a lot more in common than just the fact that my girlfriend is good at “looking at you with those eyes.”

Respectfully,

Drew

Big K Cola - Not so Good

2006-03-24T09:51:00.000-08:00

One of my staff members thought he was being really nice and brought me a soda the other day. It was a Big K Cola. If you have not had one - Don't! They are not very tasty and I am pretty sure there will be a study done in the next five years directly relating things like Tuberculosis, HIV, Scoliosis, and poverty to the drinking of this nasty beverage. It was really foul! Here is the letter I wrote to them:

March 20th, 2006
Inter-American Products Inc.
Cincinnati, OH 45202

AttN: Marketing Director Big K Cola

Dear Sir or Ma’am:
I am writing this letter to request that you increase your marketing efforts for Big K Cola. It does not get the attention nationally or internationally it deserves. Being the best cola on the market is more than simple great taste. It is advertising and branding.
When my good friend, Bob, came back with a case of Big K Cola when I asked him to bring over a case of Coca-Cola I was really upset. Bob has been taking some special medication for his recovery from an addiction to crack cocaine. When he came through the door with these funny looking bottles of soda I thought he just simply had not taken his medication yet today. After a small tussle took place and some angry words were exchanged I was left with a case of Big K Cola and a black eye. It was the case of Big K Cola that changed my soda drinking life. The case he left was gone after only a couple hours and I was heading to my local store to get more.
Now I cannot drink anything but Big K Cola. Just as Bob was once addicted to crack I am addicted to “The K” (My friends and I refer to it as “The K”)
Why does your company not market this product nationally and internationally? T-Shirts, posters, commercials and billboard advertising would be a great place to start. No slander campaigns for such a great product as yours. Just tell the potential customers the way it is. “The best DAMN soda ever made!” If you can’t use that for some legal reasons maybe you could just have your logo on everything.
Perhaps you could do a commercial series similar to Subway but instead of having that goofy looking Jared guy, you could use me as spokesman. I am scheduled to have my teeth implants put in by the end of this month and I think that makeup could cover the scars on my face just fine. Please contact me if this is of interest to you. Because I love your product so much and trust you would not take advantage of me. You can contact me directly and I will not require an agent.
Please do more to let other people know what a great product you have.

Big K Cola drinker for life,

Drew Cremeans
12121 Admiralty Way S206
Everett, WA 98204

Games Workshop Improvements for the Hobby Centers.

2006-03-19T15:53:00.000-08:00

This is the first letter I have put up on the blog that will not actually be put into the mail. Since I work for Games Workshop and I love it, this is just done in a vain of fun. There is no way we would have mascots in our stores. This letter came about because of so many retail operations these days who seem to feel it is okay to have their pets at work. Why? Maybe I am just getting old and grumpy but I do not want to see a dog or cat when I go into a store to buy furniture. I don't want to see a pet in a store for anything for that matter. If I am not going to buy a pet or pet supplies I should not see an animal in your store. There is something about it that creeps me out. Recently a large auto seller in the Seattle area has gone to commercials showing off the owner with a large dog in her lap. I just can't get past the dog. I don't even know the name of the place because all I think about it is, "Why the dog? Does the dog help sell cars? Does he drive? What is his name? House trained? Does she need the dog - Is that a service dog?" In the hobby world this seems to be even more common than other places of business. I cannot count the number of times I have gone into hobby shops all over the Unites States only to be greeted by some manner of beast.

Okay enough of a rant. It is their store or business and they can choose to have cats, dogs, reptiles or anything else inside it. I can just simply choose not to shop or use their services. It is that easy and I know where not to shop when I see the dog come running to the door to bark at me...

Here is the letter:

March 19th, 2006

Games Workshop
Retail Store Operations Manager
6721 Baymeadow Drive
Glem Burnie, MD 21060

Attention: Retail Store Managers
Subject: Mascots in Store

Dear Retail Store Operations Manager,

Recently I had the pleasurable experience of getting to visit one of your retail stores in the city of Boston, MA. The staff was incredibly funny, fun, and they had some really cool models on display. You should be quite proud of the stores your company puts together. Every time I go into your stores I have this sense that something is missing. The feeling has festered over the years and I am writing this letter to let you know that I have finally put my finger on what it is that is missing from your Hobby Centers.

To start with I will tell you a bit about myself, so the idea makes more sense when it is revealed. I am a 37 year old miniature fanatic and work in retail myself. I have considerable experience in the world of retail having worked in malls for the last 20 years. My current employer, a major entertainment seller, would never be able to do an idea like this because frankly they are just concerned about the money. Your company seems to be different.
When I started with gaming long ago I would go to my local hobby store and buy models, play games, and role-play until late in the night. The store was not nearly as big as some of the ones you have and the owner was a real grumpy guy. How he managed to run a business in between his very frequent smoke breaks (I am not even sure they were traditional cigarettes and it could have been that weed stuff I hear my kids talk about all the time) and complaining about how the gaming companies were ruining his business I will never know. But one thing this little shop in the suburbs of Boston had was a dog in the store. “Star” was her name and everyone loved that dog. Even people who did not trust or like dogs liked this one. Some days I would go to the store just to check out new miniatures and to get a chance to pet her for a short time. She was a mascot for the shop and would often keep my feet warm while my level thirty-two dark elf assassin would creep through the tunnels of Freeport or my Eldars would advance across the table to slay some Space Wolves.

That is when it dawned on me! Your stores around the world need a mascot. (mascots) You could have a small dog or cat in every shop. They could all be named after some famous Warhammer or Warhammer 40,000 character. Imagine a black lab named “Marneus” or a poodle named “Yarrick.” This could really add a nice feeling to your stores. Make them seem like more than just a place to buy Games Workshop but a place to feel at home with the hobby. You could probably find a breeder somewhere who could sell you dogs in bulk.

Respectfully,
"Mr. Need to Feel Fur"

Gold Bond Medicated Powder for Adult Use

2006-02-18T22:25:00.000-08:00

This letter to the makers of Gold Bond Medicated powder is completely ludicrous. DO NOT use Gold Bond Medicated Powder in this fashion. I am not sure but I imagine it will cause serious, serious problems for your partner and you. This letter was inspired by a crazy friend of mine talking about how he likes the way Gold Bond Medicated powder tingles when he applies it to his testicles. How that conversation came up I will not remember and probably do not want to. Here is the letter to them:

February 16, 2006
Gold Bond
Chattem, Inc.
1715 W. 38th Street
Chattanooga, TN 37409

Dear Gold Bond Producers,
My loving, special, and adventurous girlfriend and I have discovered a new use for your product. Well, at least we think we discovered a new use. Maybe millions of people all over the United States are using your product in this fashion and we simply had no idea. Perhaps someone will write about this to one of those men’s magazines so everyone will know of the joy.
It started one night after I inadvertently applied Gold Bond Body Powder to my genital regions to help soothe them after a long day in the mill. My girlfriend got in from working at the club and thought she would surprise me with some really fun loving. This whole time she was unaware that I had used the Gold Bond Body Powder and it turned out to really add some intense, great, tingling feeling to out love making.
Ever since that night we regularly use Gold Bond Body Powder when me make love. We find that making love without it now provides us with no joy. My girlfriend is worried though that it might have some sort of long term affect though and has urged me to write to your scientists to see if this has been studied. Will this cause any ill effects over a prolonged period of time? It has been six months since we have made this discovery and we find it unfulfilling to make love without your product applied to hers or my genitals. We have seen no ill effect to date but are worried about some long term medical calamity. Have other users of your product also discovered this “hidden” use?
If you decide to market your product in a market for this use please do not forget where you heard about it first. Maybe you could send us an extra large tub of the Gold Bond Body Powder for helping you learn about this great “hidden” use.

Sincerely,
Drew Cremeans
12121 Admiralty Way S206
Everett, WA 98304

Letter to Ashmead College

2006-02-12T08:05:00.000-08:00

The letter below was mailed to Ashmead college in January to request that they remove my significant other from their mailing list. She applied to the school over a year before this letter was sent and since that time we receive mailings twice a week and a phone call once a week. They really, really, really want her to become a massage therapist. At this time of this posting no response has been received and the mailings are still pouring into our mail slot. It will be soon when a follow up letter is sent.

Here is the letter:

January 29, 2006

Ashmead College - Admissions Administrator
2111 Northgate Way Suite 218
Seattle WA 98133

Dear Admissions Administrator,

Please remove me from you mailing list and call list. Since applying to Ashmead in September 2005, only to find that I could not financially afford the program, my life has taken an interesting twist. Though I still intend to do professional massage therapy someday I found a very nice Vietnamese woman in Seattle who is teaching me the arts of massage free of charge. Though not proud of the “Happy Ending” special so many of the client’s request, I have found that I can make a lot of money in a very short amount of time. Each week after buying groceries, diapers, and forties for my boyfriend I have a little bit of money I can put in a jar. After a few years I might be able to afford your program.

Please remove me from your mailing list and call list.

Sincerely,

Significant others name Removed for Privacy purposes.
1406 NW Santa Fe Lane Apt 104
Silverdale, WA 98383

The best part was my ladies reaction to this before I sent it. She laughed her head off and was completly okay with me sending it in with her name on it. She is the best!

-------OVER, OVER--------

What this is all about?

2006-02-12T07:55:00.000-08:00

Over ten years ago my mother gave me a book to read and it captured my imagination. It has been in my head all these long years and I often think about that book. The book was called Stupid Letters and it was one of the funniest, craziest books I ever read. (I have not been able to find this book since then and it could be called something other than my poor mind remembers. The theme is in the spirit of the book though.) Inside this tome of fun the author collected letters he wrote to corporations around the globe with some pretty outrageous claims. The book also contained the corporations sometime very serious responses. Combining the two together gave you a look inside the customer service world like you have never seen it before.

I enjoyed this so much that over the years I have been inspired to send some wacko letters to companies myself. This blog is a catalog of recent and upcoming shenanigans in the letter writing world. My goal is to post a new letter each week (more when I am feeling a little extra punchy.) If you don't see something new please feel free to harass me to NO end.

Ideas for letters are welcome and if you written some of these yourself please pass them on.